Thinking About Thinking

Today I’m eating crow.  Well, actually I had salmon patties and 7-Up cake, but it was a crow-equivalent since they are favorites of someone I owe big-time.  You see, this week I blew my stack at someone and said hurtful things and went on and on about my-not necessarily right or well thought-out-opinions.  Yesterday I began to see that I was wrong in so many ways – but it followed a pattern that has become familiar.  I apologized today, we made up and I prepared the favored foods and we ate cake, but I am still thinking about this.


The reason it plagues me is that I have periods when it seems that my  thinking changes radically, and events or people that I’ve been perfectly comfortable with start to be unacceptable in some way, and I can (at that time) see my worries mounting.  When I start to express them, it is in an emotional, forceful way.  Later I can see that it is out of proportion to the seriousness of the problem, but at the time, I feel justified and righteous.  It’s as though I’ve run out of acceptance, or tolerance, or understanding, and all the opposite feelings and viewpoints come tumbling out. 


Today is the first time I’ve thought of it in relation to lupus.  I mean, in the past I’ve attributed some of it to the emotional strain of chronic illness, some to unresolved mental health issues, and some to congenital meanness.  What I haven’t thought about is if the cerebritis I have from lupus periodically flares and makes my thoughts blaze through a different path.  Cerebritis is the long-standing term for brain irritation from lupus, but the pathology of it is still evolving.  Some of it is blood-vessel damage, some of it is inflammation, some can occur from blood clots landing in the brain, infections from immunosuppression can cause cerebritis…there are a number of etiologies. 


It’s not that I want to avoid cooking for people and apologizing.  Those are okay.  But I’d so much rather prevent the fulmination of these episodes, and so far I haven’t been very successful at it.  How do I recognize the change in thinking?  Can I stop after a particular trigger and do something to defuse?  Would some physical modality like rest or exercise or water torture help? 


Oh, I don’t know.  I just don’t know, and I’d rather talk about knitting.  I made a hat from Knit Picks lovely Panache today.  It has everything:  alpaca, silk, cashmere, merino, and it feels like it.  Knitting with it is therapy.  I’m still working on the wool/bamboo baby blanket.  I think I can make left cables in my sleep.  I love cables like I love scalloped edges.  Oddly enough, I’m craving some big, bulky knitting.  Where is that coming from?  Looking into the cooler future?  Who craves fat yarn when it’s 89 degrees?  This is what I’m thinking:  people need jackets/wraps made from fat yarn with interesting shapes.  Nothing fitted.  There’s some specific design criteria for you.  I’m gonna eat cake and refine it.




One Response

  1. I think this happens to everybody once in a while. Not that I’m excusing my own behavior, but I’ve been a little sharp with residents at 3am, and I’ve overreacted to annoying emails (long story, but I make the call schedule for the fellows, so… yeah…).

    I honestly think that being someone’s friend involves accepting the fact that nobody’s always at their best. I think you should give yourself a break. You’re human! 🙂

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